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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26529343">Watch as I fall</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant'>gravityplant</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The faint whispers of a caged bird [au] [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Barista Dan, Celebrity Phil, Depression, Food mention, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, PBB, Past minor character death, Phandom Big Bang, Phandom Big Bang 2020, Pining, dog content, mentions of excessive alcohol drinking, themes of death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:28:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,772</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26529343</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The magazines write about the famous actor Phil Lester - why he hasn't left his house in weeks, if it's because of her? Because she died? When Phil loses the great love of his life he shuts himself inside of his mansion, Phil's only friend - his manager Laura tries to push him out of his shell but it isn't until he meets Dan things start to really change... Dan awakens something in him he thought was long lost...</p><p>[The prequel to 'The faint whispers of a caged bird']</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The faint whispers of a caged bird [au] [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1510295</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Watch as I fall</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>beta: @dansstripedsweater</p><p>artist: @quitethequeerity</p><p>A/N: Phil hasn’t eaten anything in a while in the beginning of the story so if you’re sensitive to that or you have an eating disorder I advise to skip over that part. Just to be clear, Phil does not have an eating disorder in this story!</p><p>Link to art:</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Phil presses his face into the silk covers. The doorbell rings rudely throughout his house and he groans. He wishes he could just tell the stupid paparazzi to go to hell already. Don't they understand that he's miserable and the last thing he wants to do is to talk to someone? </p><p>It chimes a second time at the door. Phil drags the cover over his head. Suddenly everything is warm and dark, he closes his eyes. If he's being honest he has a hard time finding any purpose at the moment. It sounds depressing and awful and before all of this, he probably would've bounced back but now? Everything is just grey-toned...</p><p>He doesn't know how long it's been since he decided that this bed would be the one to soak all his sorrow up. But it feels better to be here than up on his feet. Because the world's quiet and warm. </p><p>He can hear the key twisting in the lock and someone opening the door. He stares out into the distance, his heart beating loudly in his ears. Did someone just break into his house? He should do something... But he can't compel himself to get up. Maybe this will be the end for him.</p><p>The door creaks and there she stands - for a moment he thought it was someone else. "Laura" he breathes, sounding more scared than he had let on. She looks worried, leaned against the doorframe. Her blonde hair is mussed up as if she'd been running. </p><p>"Phil" she mumbles softly "how long have you been here?" she asks, her voice sounds strained. He looks down at the ground not answering her question. Laura comes forth hunching down before him. Now he can see that her eyes are watery. </p><p>"When was the last time you ate," she says grabbing his arm. He has to look away feeling his stomach clench. He just couldn't get out of bed. As soon as he tries he's consumed by hurtful memories. Scratching and digging into his skin. Trying to get to his fragile heart.</p><p>He swallows, he hadn't wanted to upset her. "I- I don't know," he whispers. It's a lie. He pretends that it doesn't eat him up inside. It was unnecessary because he can see the way she looks at him, she understands. She knows regardless of him telling the truth or not. And she looks hurt over the fact that he lied. But she remains silent looking down at the floor. He wishes she hadn't come, he didn't want her to see him like this.</p><p>The room is silent, Phil finds it hard to breathe, seeing her react to him like this. Has it really gone so far? She wipes her hand over her eyes before sitting down on the bedside. What she does next surprises him, and makes his heart stop dead in its tracks. She hugs him to her chest. </p><p>It's so strange and comforting that he bursts out crying. His chest heaving, he pushes his face into the material of her shirt. Despite his pain, no actual tears come from his eyes, just anguished whimpers. Her warm hand rubs his back. She stays quiet as he lets himself be comforted. </p><p>He doesn't think he's ever been this close to her, this open. And it feels a little too intimate for his liking. But he has an inkling she somehow already knew... She's always understood that he isn't the type of person to easily let people in. Maybe he was before? But fame has changed him, in ways he's not sure he's proud of. And sometimes he lets himself act in a way people expect a rich star to do. He's not proud of it. </p><p>Maybe it was caused by Cameron's sickness? That it dragged on so long it felt as if he was the one dying rather than her. Things like that have to change people, right? He remembers snapping at paparazzi, locking himself away or drinking excessively at social gatherings. And how the media all gathered information on him and how the public perception of him degraded abruptly. </p><p>He bites his bottom lip, drawing blood. Laura's hand stops on his back. Her voice is soft as she speaks. "Phil, I know that you are grieving but I won't let you waste away like this". It's meant to be comforting but Phil finds himself stressed by the words. Because he's not sure he wants to be helped.</p><p>"Phil, I love you so much, please take care of yourself" At that it feels like his heart might've shattered. He swallows audibly. The love in her voice makes guilt rush through his veins like poison. He just can't take the thought of him hurting her. She's been here the whole time. When Cameron was sick before he even met her. Always. She's his best friend.</p><p>"I'll try," He mumbles into the fabric.</p><p>"Promise, promise you'll try your best" She demands, a little more firmly this time.</p><p>"I- I promise" He gets out.</p><p>-</p><p>She comes into the room with a steaming bowl of soup. He sits up against the bedframe and wrinkles his nose at the smell. "I'm not that bad a cook, so unless you start preparing your own meals you'll have to deal with my cooking". Laura says, eyeing him admonitory.</p><p>"I mean it's not awful" he offers. He doesn't really care at the moment feeling his stomach rumble. He's ravenous. Any food would probably be good to him even if it smelled vile.</p><p>"Thanks, you know you're a real charmer sometimes Lester," she says rolling her eyes.</p><p>"I do my best." he grins half-heartedly, she acknowledges it with a slight turn of her head. It seems she's thinking, looking out into the distance.</p><p>"I do appreciate your efforts..." He mumbles after a few spoons of soup. He didn't mean to sound like such a jerk. He's too frank and bitter with other people and he wishes he was someone else at the moment.</p><p>"I know you do," she says looking over at him. Her eyes look sad but understanding. </p><p>"Laura... thank you" he manages, his gaze drifting down to the soup in his hands.</p><p>-</p><p>"So maybe we should set up some goals?" Laura utters and Phil jumps a little inside, he looks up and there she stands again in the doorframe. </p><p>He'd been lost in thought again after he'd finished the bowl. He finds he's glad she snapped him out of them. They were everything but pleasant. </p><p>There's a slight wrinkle at her eyebrow and one of the corners of her mouth is pulled up. She's thinking. Sometimes Phil wonders if that was the reason they clicked so well. They're both massive overthinkers. But Phil is probably worse? He can't be sure maybe they're both submerged in anxiety only the difference in them is that he lets it drown him? He used to pull through, he... gave up when her heart did. He shakes his head violently, getting that gloom out of his head.</p><p>"Goals?" he asks her, it seems she focuses on his answer, letting what's blatant slip in-between.</p><p>"You need to find things that you'll enjoy. Our goal is making you find some type of purpose again, it doesn't have to be anything big. Just something you can hold onto okay? And if that list grows over time well then that wouldn't be so bad would it?" He knows she's got a point he's just not sure it'll work. But maybe he can manage with her support. </p><p>"I guess" is all he replies.</p><p>"So is there something you enjoy?" she prompts curiously. a hint of a dimple showing. He studies her face whilst he's thinking. The thing is when he tries to contemplate all that he finds are deadends.</p><p>"... I" he mumbles helplessly. Feeling a bit useless and humiliated. He feels like a kid who needs help with everything and he hates it but at the same time he's sure he couldn't do it by himself.</p><p>"How about I give you, something to start with like hmm..." She starts, "how about you try to start cooking your own meals? Wouldn't that be quite nice, I mean you'd be rid of my terrible cooking" She's teasing him he can tell. The whites of her teeth are showing and a glimpse in her eyes is present.</p><p>"I..." he starts having lots of questions but she cuts him off.</p><p>"No, no I don't mean that. I mean the proper thing, like an actual dinner. You should learn to cook like you're cooking for an entire family. Because you deserve the type of love that is poured into that type of dish. And you should see yourself as your own family, you wouldn't treat your own family bad, would you?" She says. </p><p>He looks at her, feeling a bit lost for words. What is he supposed to say to that? "I guess- no..." he says furrowing his brow.</p><p>"Then why aren't you treating yourself well? She gives him a look "here let me help". He knows she means well but there's a reason why he doesn't find any strength to do anything. If it was that easy he'd be dancing on the kitchen floor by now. But instead, it's like dragging your own heavy body through the desert without any water around to quench your thirst. Maybe she's just angry with him for treating himself like this, maybe it's justified anger. But it doesn't change his opinion.</p><p>Laura tugs the comforter to the side to sit down beside Phil. She opens the computer.</p><p>"Let's look for something you'd want to eat. We'll start with something a little bit easier for today. I'll stay for a few day's so you can cook for the both of us. How does that sound?"</p><p>He just nods.</p><p>-</p><p>"What did you even live on before?" Laura questions as they stand in the kitchen. </p><p>"I have this canned broth that is easy to prepare. I can cook some easier dishes like minced meat and pasta. And well... most of the time I just order food." Phil mumbles, hands in his pockets. He's feeling a bit insecure and uncomfortable. He considers it mildly invasive letting another person go through his pantry. But he doesn't say anything. </p><p>"Hm," she hums as she looks through the pantry. She looks over her shoulder at Phil "well we're about to change that Philly". He's a little surprised by the nickname drop.</p><p>"Philly, really?" he laughs. He can't remember the last time she called him that. It must've been at least a year and a half since. He guesses the closer Cameron and he grew the less Laura and him were prone to casually hang out as they'd used to. And when Cam got sick all his focus was on her, work and switching between the two - in what felt like a never-ending circle. It was as if he'd lost his passion for acting, his lover and his best friend in one big fell swoop. Except he hadn't lost Laura, he'd lost himself. And now he's trying to build himself up again, to become someone better, someone new. </p><p>"Deal with it stupid" She blows a raspberry his way and he feels slightly surprised at the childishness of her action. It feels like they've degraded in age. Like when they were younger and Phil was rising to fame. Clear of others opinions and filled with curiosity.</p><p>"Alright" he mumbles, his voice fond from the memories.</p><p>-</p><p>"It's horrible," Phil says after licking the spoon. Laura can probably hear the disappointment in his voice. Is he sounding like a child about to have a tantrum? He honestly doesn't have the energy to care if so's the case. </p><p>Had he followed the recipe correctly? He's sure he did... But something must've gone wrong. Maybe he should just leave it to the professionals and order food instead? He’d rather just lie down in bed again. Because it's easy and it catches him in mid-fall, like a set of clouds dulling the pain of reality.</p><p>Laura walks up to his side. She's put her hair up in a tie and rolled her sleeves back. She peaks over his shoulder to look at his failure then she looks up at him raising one eyebrow.</p><p>"Phil do you think Mozart would've become as talented as he was if he'd given up as soon as he faced adversity?" she questions him. </p><p>"He probably was perfect from the start" Phil grumbles.</p><p>"Phil, don't be silly, besides it takes discovering to realise what you've been doing isn't the most clever so that you can move on from there," she says walking about the kitchen as she talks.</p><p>"I'm more likely on a downward curve" he mumbles under his breath. </p><p>But apparently, she heard that because she says "well why don't you find out tomorrow?" her voice got a resolute edge to it.</p><p>"So you're saying I'll fail?" Phil says, now finding entertainment in playing dumb. She seems to pick up on it, probably knowing when it's okay to joke around.</p><p>"No, I'm saying another day another opportunity to learn and evolve," she replies, a mischievous smile flashing upon her face.</p><p>"Why do you always do that," he says half-jokingly but there's a bitter tone in his voice he only notices the second it's out of his mouth.</p><p>"Hm?" she says, a frown taking place, darkening the blue sky with tempest clouds.</p><p>"Sound so superior" he lets out. A moment later he feels awful, why did he just say that? He wishes he was big enough of a person to say sorry.</p><p>"I wasn't trying to," she mumbles. Looking concerned.</p><p>"Look I'm sorry if I come across as if I know better but I'm just trying to help you by convincing you, think of it like an argumentative speech that I just won you over with," she says smiling weakly with that same wrinkle in between her eyebrows. Seems every time she's near him it's permanently etched into her forehead. Is he the cause of it? He'd rather not think about it. </p><p>"And you did it again, wrecked me with your fancy language," he says smiling down to the ground. It turns bittersweet then almost wistful.</p><p>"You know I don't-" Laura starts, he can tell she's really worried. He shakes the feeling off. He reads too much into what people say and hate that he needs help. And he takes it out on other people or he's being too blunt. It all comes out wrong and his brain is just a mess. He meets Laura's gaze.</p><p>"I know Laura, I'm just stupid, and complicated..." the corners of his mouth pull into a small smile. "And I don't think I understand my own emotions that's why I hate that you seem to get mine so well" he mumbles. It's hard telling her the truth.</p><p>She mirrors his smile, "that's just because we've spent so much time together". He can't help but snort softly at that.</p><p>"Well, I suppose you're right... smartypants!" He shoots her way. Her eyes immediately widen, a grin broadening on her face.</p><p>"Ooooh, that one was weak Philly!". She shakes her head, burying her head in her hands then looking at him through her fingers.</p><p>"Thought it summed you up pretty well" he laughs.</p><p>"Mmm Philly you might be part of tomorrow’s stew if you don't watch out" she shoots back. A warm sensation fills his chest that he can't recall since... forever? </p><p>"Impossible I'm the one who's making it," he says. He can't believe he actually said that, does he have to make more food tomorrow now? He thought he'd slithered himself out of it but his stupid ass had to f it up for himself. </p><p>Maybe it isn't all that bad?</p><p>"Well then," she turns to him with a big smile "sounds good" she looks proud and Phil can't help but feel pleased with himself. She has a way of transferring her feelings to other people with ease, it makes it easy to be with her, well for the most part.</p><p>-</p><p>"Isn't she perfect?" Laura coos over the phone. Phil looks at the photo she's sent him. A tiny golden pup sits on the floor. Its eyes are huge and the corner of its mouth drawn up in what looks like a small smile. "She's adorable," he says softly, leaning his arms over the open cooking book as he's talking. </p><p>"This is the second time I'm here and I just signed the papers," she says dreamingly, her voice is filled with what almost sounds like youth? Does that sound absolutely crazy? Maybe not? It definitely sounds like something Laura would say though he recognises. He's really missed having her about. </p><p>"Wait, Laura, did you actually buy her?" he says. Despite knowing her this came out of the blue.</p><p>It sounds like a spur of the moment thing, well most things are with Laura but this is taking the price. But since he's not really working right now she doesn't have a lot of managing to do... </p><p>But he trusts her and he knows she'll be responsible. Maybe a dog was what was missing in her life he thinks to himself. Everyone has something missing in their life they didn't know they were missing before they have them.</p><p>"I couldn't resist, is that bad?" She says, sounding a little sheepish.</p><p>"I mean, do you have time for her?" It's best if he actually asks, isn't it? She knows better than anyone whether she's fit to adopt another being into her life.</p><p>"Well yeah, Seeing as I am your manager and paperwork is lacking at the moment... And now that I'm helping you get on your feet I was thinking she and I could borrow a guest room? Then she won't be alone and I can work plus check on you”.</p><p>"Laura you don't need to... check on me," he says. For a moment he feels bad to his stomach that she's changing her routines for him. He's not sure he's worth that. But... he appreciates it. He broods that Laura’s girlfriend will miss her and ponders if she is alright with Laura living here for a while. Feeling a little guilty he says “besides won’t your girlfriend miss you?”</p><p>"Well, it's my job, moreover it'll mostly just be phone calls and mail and when I'm not working it's doggo time", she sounds really excited. “And don’t worry about my girlfriend, I told her yesterday about it and she said she’ll be visiting her family anyway for two weeks, so she won’t be home”.</p><p>"Hmm" He hums, is he sounding sceptical, worried? He’s glad that she’s solved things with her partner but he can’t help thinking about what a dog stepping into their lives might entail. He trusts her, he does. Is he just troubled that she'll forget to hang with him? You can't be jealous of a dog... right?</p><p>"Besides I want to be here in case something happens, Phil, I'm not only your manager I'm also your best friend and both you and I know you haven't been well since Cameron passed away," she says more quietly. As if it is some secret the whole world hasn't already heard. </p><p>Phil's mouth goes dry and he tries to swallow but he can't. He opens a cabinet door and reaches for a glass. Filling it up with water and downing it in one fell sweep.</p><p>"Besides maybe Laputa will brighten up this place a little," she offers. She sounds so sure that he wants to believe her. </p><p>"Wait... Laputa? he says a frown present on his face. "you've named her after a Ghibli movie?"</p><p>"Phil you know that's my favourite one," she concedes abashedly.</p><p>"Yes I definitely do seeing as you made me watch it so many times that I basically remember the whole script off the top of my head- and it's not even my movie of choice," Phil says, sounding mildly accusatory.</p><p>"Ops?" she says, not sounding sorry at all.</p><p>"So, when will you bring her over?" He asks her.</p><p>"She'll be here on Friday".</p><p>"Okay," he responds, wondering how it'll be like to have a little, fluffy friend around. Will it fill his days with colour?</p><p>"Will you be here tonight as well?" he figures it's best to ask now. She did say she'd stay for a couple of days...</p><p>"Yeah I'm just out at the moment" she promises.</p><p>"So what are you doing?" the tone of her voice is curious.</p><p>"Cooking..." he mutters, sounding a little discouraged. He's really trying his best and hating every moment of it so far...</p><p>"Well, that's great, Philly!" She sounds happy with him.</p><p>"Yeah" his forehead is wrinkled "I'm trying out a salad recipe but I've gotten lost in the endless possibilities of the salad jungle and I don't know what to do."</p><p>"Hm well, what would you like to have in a salad?" She questions. He knows she loves salads. Mostly because it's so easy to make according to her - he's prepared to disagree.</p><p>"Salad?" He says unsure, voice going a little hushed. </p><p>"Well besides that" she laughs sweetly.</p><p>"Cucumber maybe?" Honestly, it's the first thing he comes to think of, he hasn't had a salad in god knows how long.</p><p>"That's a good choice," she praises "I'll leave it up to you to think of some more".</p><p>"But... some advice before you go?" he says sounding a bit desperate.</p><p>"Maybe you'll want some oil and spices? she smirks.</p><p>-</p><p>"There's basically no more ingredients in the fridge" Phil complains when Laura comes home. The salad he’d made tasted mediocre but at least it wasn't bad. It's a small victory Phil decides. They'll need to get more edibles for tonight's dinner.</p><p>"Well sooner or later that will happen..." She remarks before saying "we'll have to go grocery shopping".</p><p>"Or I'll go with delivery?" He's quick to say. The stress of going outside seeing other people makes him almost shiver. He just doesn't want to be seen by the world if that makes sense? He's just tired of being judged.</p><p>"Or we'll go together to a grocery store?" She suggests. He looks down, what's he supposed to say? That he's scared of seeing people in the broad daylight? She'll find him ridiculous.</p><p>"C'mon Phil you need to get out and I'll be with you the whole time",<br/>
her tone is soft and calm, like a warm wind on your cheek.</p><p>"I just hate going out..." he mumbles under his breath.</p><p>"Do you want to talk about it?" She says. He knows she's being supportive and nice but he can't be that. He's bitter and mean and selfish... He swallows roughly. She meets his eyes and he thinks to himself. Maybe just maybe this time? He tries to play his anxiety off as nothing, shrugging his shoulders at her.</p><p>"Will you try it this once with me?" She is fast to add, "if you feel the need to go home we'll go but not before we've at least entered the store, how does that sound?" He'll try. Maybe that's all he can do right now?</p><p>Phil nods.</p><p>-</p><p>"We will need pasta..." Laura says, tracing her finger down the shopping list. Her blonde hair is hanging in front of her eyes, making it almost impossible to see her facial expression as she reads. Phil stands behind her feeling unsure. His hands are balled into fists and he's been pacing nervously the whole time. He's dressed in a black hoodie and jogging pants. Around him are rows and rows of edibles. Bags of nut mixes, soda and crisps. Despite his usual sweet tooth he now feels too anxious to at all think of sweets, which in itself is well unusual. </p><p>"Phil Lester!" he freezes when he hears an unfamiliar voice yell his name. His eyes snap up from the floor, meeting the man's eyes. It's a middle-aged man with a cap backwards on his head. He's got a camera on him and a terrifying glimpse in his eyes.</p><p>"Tell us the heartbreaking story in full detail!" he demands. Phil finds he can't move. But he doesn't have to because in the next second Laura is there in front of him, blocking the view of the man.</p><p>"Phil doesn't want to talk right now, kindly leave us be," she says her voice is eerily calm. He's only heard that tone two times before...</p><p>"Who are you, might this be a new lover of yours Lester?" The man says directing his focus on Phil completely ignoring Laura.</p><p>"If you don't leave us alone I will call the cops" Laura threatens, she's got her phone in her hand he sees and her other hand is hovering over the touch screen.</p><p>"That's not going to work, I'm not doing anything illegal, just doing my job ma'am," he says, finally addressing Laura. There's a bit of uncertainty laced in his tone.</p><p>"Well if that doesn't work I might have to throw this milk package at you, are you good at catching?" A dangerous glimpse glints in her eyes. The paparazzi looks unsure, his eyes shifting between the two. The thing is, from any other person that sentence would've sounded laughable but Laura's tone and the cutting sincerity is petrifying.</p><p>"You're bonkers, both of you," He takes a few steps back before disappearing from their view. Laura turns around, all of what's left on her face is worry.</p><p>"Phil are you okay?" He stares out into the store, eyes appearing a little watery. He flexes his fingers slowly shaking off the terror that came over him. He clears his throat getting out a "throwing milk?" A nervous grin tossed her way.</p><p>"It was the only thing I could think of" she smiles but under the smile it's apparent she's just as concerned as he. </p><p>"Well it worked..." he starts, he looks around himself a second time "can we get out of here?" She nods, her grey eyes looking so sympathetic it hurts.</p><p>"Yeah, let’s just pay" she mumbles. It's so out of character it scares him more than anything.</p><p>-</p><p>Phil turns the screen so that she can see, "just look at it, it's terrible, I'm not going outside again!"</p><p>Laura stays silent. She doesn't disagree like she usually does. She just reads out loud sounding astounded, her voice barely a whisper "crazy new lover defends sissy-Lester".</p><p>"Phil I don't..." she starts, looking up at him sounding apologetic. He hates it, the way she seems to put all the blame on herself.</p><p>He just shakes his head. She bites her lip "let's just use delivery from now on" she mumbles sounding defeated. He doesn't think he's ever heard her sounding so crushed. Like all the air in her lungs was taken away from her.<br/>
-</p><p>He checks his phone one more time, reading Laura's message over again.</p><p>13:23<br/>
From: Laura<br/>
Phil you're going to burst into confetti when you see her! She's the cutest thing to walk on this earth!</p><p>He smiles to himself. Whilst frying pancakes he's been pacing nervously around the kitchen. He's never had a dog before. Not... that it's his dog... but she'll live here for a while. He's worrying he'll get attached and he’ll have a hard time when they both move out... Will he revert to his old self if he's left to himself? He doesn’t know.</p><p>A sudden knock at the door has him jumping, tensely making his way to the door. When he opens at first all he sees is Laura's happy face. You can see her dimple, a glimmer in the grey of her eyes and the sound of small feet moving. Wait? He finds himself stepping backwards as a golden ball of fluff runs in through the door.</p><p>For a moment Phil is so shocked he just stands and stares at the tiny puppy. "Isn't she just... it?" Laura breathes, her voice laced with devotion.</p><p>"it?" Phil says offhandedly as he sits down carefully. Holding out his hands for the pup to smell. It clumsily waddles forward bopping its nose on his hand before smelling it curiously.</p><p>"The cherry on top of the cake" she whispers softly, as she watches him. He looks at Laputa, the small golden retriever climbs into his lap as he scratches her carefully. </p><p>A warmth spreads in his chest slowly, it's kind of weird and wonderful and he doesn't really know how to react to it other than laughing. Laura comes forth sitting down in front of him with a grin. "Best puppy ever" she mumbles softly when he's stopped laughing. </p><p>Phil just hugs the puppy to his chest and Laputa lets him, she's very still except for her tails that's wagging. For a little moment, everything is right in the world again.</p><p>-</p><p>It is as Phil is making lasagna, his phone rings. Out of all people he could've imagined, Martyn wasn't one. </p><p>"Phil? I haven't heard from you since forever," Martyn says. His voice sounds a little strange, definitely not like usual. He sounds tired... Worn in a way. He realises he's not sure he knows what Martyn’s been up to since Cameron was well.</p><p>Phil listens to Martyn's breath as it hitches for a fraction of a second before Martyn continues. Phil definitely recognises the way Martyn's voice reacts when he's upset, nothing will change that, he's after all his brother.</p><p>"Mum and dad are worried, they said they read the magazines about you. They want you to call them back. Phil, they're really worried." Phil wants to call them back to. So badly. But he just can't. He's built a barrier between himself and the outside world. Like a safe bubble. And he's afraid if he bursts it, reality will come crashing down on him.</p><p>"Well they'll have to wait," Phil mutters. He realises his voice sounds cold and distant but he can't muster up the energy to try and make it kinder or more reassuring.</p><p>"Till when Phil, till when?" Martyn says. "It's been months!" He's starting to sound cross. Phil can feel himself shrink metaphorically. If he only could tell Martyn that he wants to but is not able to. That it's physically impossible. That he needs time to heal before any communication can initiate.</p><p>"Well... yeah" Phil mumbles. His heart pounds against his chest "...I'm not ready yet!" he yells. It's quiet on the other side of the line until Martyn heaves a breath.</p><p>"Will you ever be?" His voice is so dead serious and calm at once that Phil forgets to breathe for a second. This is so unlike his otherwise cool brother that it almost frightens Phil.</p><p>"Phil just take the step, you'll thank me, we love you so much. Maybe you need their help more than you realise." Martyn states. Phil doesn't know what to say. So he just stays quiet.</p><p>"Call them Phil," Martyn says before ending the call.</p><p>-</p><p>Laura walks in, she looks a little embarrassed. "Was that your brother?" She has clearly overheard his conversation. He finds himself a little bothered by it but he doesn't mention it.</p><p>"Yeah" he shrugs his shoulders, looking down at the floor rather than at her. She sits down on the side of the couch, tilting her head to the side, leaning into his space. </p><p>"Shouldn't you call your parents?" she wonders. He's tired of people just telling him to do things. They never stop to ask if he wants to do them or why he doesn't.</p><p>"No," he says firmly, shaking his head slowly.</p><p>"Why?" she presses. He feels himself growing more and more frustrated. He looks her in the eye.</p><p>"Because they'll never understand," his voice raises.</p><p>"What won't they understand Phil" she questions, now frowning.</p><p>"The guilt I have!" He yells, he leans forward, leaning his anxious face across his palms. He sighs, deflating a little.</p><p>"When Cameron died I never got to tell her how I really felt and I just feel like a lying bastard," he admits reluctantly.</p><p>"What did you lie about?" Laura coaxes.</p><p>"I..." Phil starts "I'm not sure..." He downcasts his eyes "maybe it was unfair."</p><p>"What was?" she says, her voice firm yet soft. The perfect mix of someone caring enough to listen.</p><p>"Me loving her... she never really got what she deserved".</p><p>"Phil stop, I don't care how much you loved her or how you did, it doesn't matter because you shouldn't measure your love according to other people's measurements. If you cared deeply about her, you cared! She felt loved, I know she did. The look in her eye Phil, it was there the whole time. It's enough, you're enough" She reassures, hand on his shoulder. Carefully guiding him back to shore.</p><p>"But I still feel like she deserved someone else," he tries. It's like his efforts are never enough in his own eyes. He lets his own guilt tear him down. But it's so hard to fight when you always imagine a different ending. He's heard Laura tell him before that it isn't his fault but it's hard to grasp. Hard to accept that he can't change things. He guesses he'll just have to take time to learn to accept that...</p><p>"Phil, Cameron wanted no one else at her last moments, she just needed someone who loved her to be there and you were, that's enough. You can not change the past, what matters is that you were with her to the end." he nods biting his lip, she smiles mirthlessly. "Phil," she laughs, her voice a little wavy. She brushes away tears running down Phil's features against his will. She hugs him and he lets himself be hugged, finding comfort in her.</p><p>-</p><p>"Laura I want to write," Phil says looking over his shoulder. He's sitting hunched in a kitchen chair.</p><p>Laura looks up from the couch, her hands in the fur of her dog. "Like a book or..?" When the focus isn't on her anymore Laputa pushes her head into Laura's hands. She laughs evading licks from a Laputa that's hungry for affection.</p><p>"Yeah... something like that," he says, his eyes shifting over to watch Laputa being adorable. She looks like a giant teddy bear and his heart squeezes in his chest.</p><p>"About what happened?" She mumbles, meeting his eyes to check that he's okay before downcasting them to Laputa again.</p><p>Phil furrows his eyebrows thinking it through. "No" he decides, shaking his head.</p><p>"Fantasy, romance, slice of life?" she rattles off, trying to give him examples of genres.</p><p>"I'm not sure yet," he says, shrugging his shoulders lightly.</p><p>"Well you don't have to know at once, take your time thinking about it," she says.</p><p>"Laputa do you want Philly to write a book about you" she coos, scratching the little dog behind her ears. She barks happily hearing her name being called.</p><p>"She says yes," Laura declares.</p><p>"Laputa, I think your mum is forcing me to write a book about you," Phil smiles, getting off the chair to pet her soft fur.</p><p>"Write a book about her," Laura growls in a deep voice, trying to sound like some sort of demon. Phil just rolls his eyes at her and she grins mischievously. He pats Laputa gently and she looks back into his eyes as if to say 'you two are crazy but I love you!'.</p><p>-</p><p>It's been 7 years since he decided he wanted to start writing a book. It wasn't until recently he started. When he bumped into a certain lad at a coffee shop called Dan.</p><p>Well bumped might be putting it lightly, more like crashing, colliding, falling for Dan. Leaving Dan unconscious and Phil a ball of anxiousness in the waiting for the ambulance. Because he felt very bad and also kind of didn't mind helping the man, he offered him a place in his home for free. For him it really meant nothing, Phil's house was particularly empty at the time seeing as Laura and Laputa had moved back home long ago and he'd utmost carefully started up his acting career again. </p><p>Dan was an ex-university student with big brown eyes, curly brown hair falling in front of his eyes and an immaculate way of annoying Phil to bits. Although Phil would never admit it he was quite fond of the man. </p><p>He wishes he could express his affection but it somehow always ends in him being mean and bitter towards Dan. He just can't help it, he's grown awful at communicating with people, being almost alone all the time does that kind of thing to you. </p><p>Laura and Laputa still visit but it's not enough to keep him from feeling lonely. He barely ever goes out. Sometimes it's for coffee, he's got a favourite place. Other times it's for acting jobs or after parties. Although he's never really been good with them. Too often he seeks the alcohol to ease his anxiety but it often ends up going overboard. He's been avoiding parties now that he's slowly starting up his acting career again.</p><p>To his surprise the press is still interested in him, leaving him unable to go almost anywhere. It seems they haven't quite let go of his past. </p><p>And after being inside for such a long time he thinks he might've lost touch with reality a little. Sometimes he ends up being mean without even intending to. Wanting to apologise but not exactly knowing how. Laura's countless efforts to get him outside only got him so far. He's too scared of being seen by the world.</p><p>He sneaks up the stairs where he knows Dan's room is, leaning against the door frame watching him unpacking things. His back is facing Phil and he doesn't see him. Phil doesn't say anything, staying quiet, watching Dan. Something has shifted in Phil. Dan has impacted Phil’s life in such a short period of time and it’s terrifying, he’s awoken something in Phil he thought he’d lost. It's really stupid how you can get attached to the first person that crashes into your life, isn't it?</p><p>But Dan is kind and empathic, everything Phil isn't but would like to be able to become, by opening up. Maybe he'll have the courage to if Dan takes the first step. Phil has a way of complicating things because of his rusty social skills.</p><p>He glances at his clock, shit - he has to go back to the kitchen. The soup is almost done! It's crazy how much better Phil has become at cooking. Laura always praises him when she visits. He likes to surprise her with new vegan dishes when she comes. He has a soft spot for the way her eyes light up when he surprises her. He wonders if Dan would like vegan food too? If he'd like Laura? Laura is so important to him that Dan liking Laura is essential to him.</p><p>-</p><p>Phil smooths out the tiny wrinkle on his black button-up. Glancing at his quiff to make sure it's perfect. He's kind of had to do this for himself to stay sane over all these years. He likes to dress up as if he were to go out someplace fancy. He thinks he's also become a bit damaged by his endeavour for perfection. But he's scared that if he lets it go for a second he'll fall back into a dysfunctional mess.</p><p>When he sits in front of his computer Dan comes into the kitchen. His hair is mussed up, it somehow looks just right? Which is weird of him to think since his mind always is so critical and analytical of other people. But it somehow just works for Dan, most of it does.</p><p>He glances up at Dan, he's wearing a frown and Phil wants to wipe it away. He wants to ask Dan what it is that bothers him. "Morning" Dan whispers and it's so quiet that Phil has to lean forward a bit to hear it. He doesn't know what to say afraid that he'll say something entirely too stupid so instead he just nods.</p><p>He thinks to himself as he reverts his eyes to the screen, too scared to look at Dan for too long; maybe he did fall for Dan but in an entirely different way than he first presumed. He rests his fingers on the keyboard and starts typing the first words in the document.</p><p>"It's not necessarily about the fall but the act of getting up and dusting off yourself. And maybe about falling again but for a whole other reason".</p>
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